[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
can I use a minion as a tampon
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.