My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?