It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”


I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.


Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger


Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?


I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.


(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.