@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@BradBroaddus

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@chillandwoke

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.