According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?