a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression