I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
what’s the point then??
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime