How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
i spent way too long on this
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”