i spent way too long on this
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”