*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
You Might Also Like
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right