You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.