A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]