I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Cinematography is my passion
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*