Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!