We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The Birdles
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My therapist after every session
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.