due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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I wish I could veto my bills.
You are not alone 💚
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This is my pinned tweet
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Just me and my debit card against the world
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.