WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
A new level of troll.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Okay
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.