I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
🙅🏻
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.