Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Breaking news:
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
lmao
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”