Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲