My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?