oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.