I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I need this for my side hustle.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”