Goat cheese is for herders.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
The answer is funnier than the question
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.