Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Are you ok, human???