Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.