As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire