[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Important reminders
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly