[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”