I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Noted.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.