A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When he asks for feet pics
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*