And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
You Might Also Like
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
.. do you even science?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Aight bet
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you