@Gobshite_

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

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@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

@jwblvd

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@TheBoydP

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

@_Water_Baby

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@ericsshadow

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr