In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Just a bush.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.