In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.


[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.


And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…


The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…


*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.


My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.


the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr