If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I feel like one of these would kill a European