I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.