Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I have no passwords left in me
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My background check bounced.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984