Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
jesus, what did this guy do
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I feel seen.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud