Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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This line from Airplane.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My Plans 2020
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still