A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Cake safety first. Always.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.