ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade