I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You Might Also Like
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.