Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Did…did a minotaur write this
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.