[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
oh shit
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?