God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes