i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water