So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[adds another nod to the conversation]
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.