What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath