PARKOUR
You Might Also Like
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
They got a point!