Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.