[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.