Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog