Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes